Rather than boring you with a lengthy introduction about the beauty of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s love story, I’m just gonna cut to the chase here, people. Royal-wedding-themed condoms now exist, and I can honestly say those are words I never thought I’d type in succession during my writing career. But hey, it’s 2018 and anything is possible — am I right?
Crown Jewels, a London-based prophylactic manufacturer, just started selling boxes of limited-edition Royal Souvenir Condoms to celebrate Meghan and Harry’s upcoming wedding in May. The novelty rubbers are “tailored to a regal fit and drizzled with lube” to “promise discerning love-makers a royal union of pleasure and style,” according to Crown Jewels’s website. If that tantalizing explanation wasn’t enough to hook you, they’re also apparently “artisan-style” condoms, which is a descriptor I honestly only thought was used for high-end cheeses imported from Italy or something.
These commemorative condoms are packaged in a box that’s honestly fancier (and more entertaining) than anything I own. The front features a photo of Meghan and Harry looking adorable, as per usual, along with some elaborate designs and gold text. The back offers some hilarious details about the luxurious sheaths, along with the instruction to simply “lie back and think of England.” Yup, it goes there.
When the box is opened, a recording of America’s “Star Spangled Banner” and England’s “God Save the Queen” is played as you stare at another photo of the royal couple. Oh, and the inside of the box also says, “Your Prince will come,” in cursive writing. LOL. Crown Jewels really didn’t hold back with these puns, man.
Although decidedly no one asked for these condoms to come into existence, I’ve gotta admit they’re pretty effing hysterical and would make a great gift for that obsessive royal family follower in your life. The box costs $14 (plus a bit extra for shipping if you live in the States), which may seem expensive for just four rubbers — but remember, it does play that glorious musical mashup upon opening.
The regal rubbers — which are not officially endorsed by the royal family in any way, shape, or form — are now available for preorder on the Crown Jewels website. Ahead, catch a glimpse of the soon-to-be-viral condoms . . . and the completely necessary certificate of authenticity that’s included in each box.